It starts here.

It’s a photo of a Zen Peacemaker, sitting in meditation on the railroad tracks leading to the entrance of the Birkenau death camp. It reminds me for the umpteenth time of my own hesitation at the brink of action. So much suffering, so many avenues for addressing it; what to choose, how to take that first risky step?

As a writer-editor, I’ve often cited my hatred of the blank page, my preference for leaving the painful work of creation to others, joining the process when the digging has been done, the clay has been shaped, however roughly, and my job is only to smooth it into…what? Something that brings it into the range of normal, acceptable, marketable, digestible—not new.

So here’s my first step with an idea of my own, one that came to me over a year ago when I was first diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease—a name for a bunch of symptoms that had been increasingly apparent for a few years. It was just three years after my ordination as a Zen Buddhist priest, three years when so many of us found our lives scrambled by the Covid pandemic. My own newly-named condition seemed insignificant in a time of so much sickness and death, the idea of ParkinZen a flippant pun in the face of real suffering.

I’m one of the lucky ones in the Parkinson’s world. Closing in on my 78th birthday when the neurologist pronounced her opinion, I’d already had a life full of adventures, disasters, joys, sorrows, and measureless love. Physically I’m still pretty robust, if a little unsteady on my feet. So many of us with PD have had to live for decades with symptoms that progress only in one direction.

I also have years of Zen study and practice to give me perspectives that seldom appear in the voluminous literature of Parkinson’s. I’m grateful for the countless studies and articles on medication, diet, exercise, and other elements of the care and treatment of PD. When I’m scared, there are myriad rabbit holes to investigate, avenues to both hope and despair. I do my best to avoid them, reminding myself that for all of those possibilities for my PD future, the only certainty I can find is in this very moment.

The practice of Zen meditation, called zazen, can lead us to experience the infinitude of each moment, and to realize that we, along with every bird, butterfly, and rounded pebble on the beach, are always taking part in the working of the universe. And from there the question may arise: how can I shape my participation in that work, or shall I just let life happen?

I’m finally choosing action, and you’re reading the result. As ParkinZen goes on, I know it will draw on the work of many teachers. Among them is Roshi Bernie Glassman, the founder of the Zen Peacemaker Order, a group whose actions have often inspired me. The order bases its work on “three tenets:” not knowing, bearing witness, and compassionate action. Here’s how Bernie explained them:

Not knowing: the practice of letting go of fixed ideas about ourselves and the universe.

Bearing witness: being fully present and not separating from the suffering and the joys of this world.

Compassionate action: arising from not knowing and bearing witness, a healing response to the presence of suffering.

I’m getting better at not knowing, which runs counter to a lifetime of trying to be the smartest guy in the room. My experience as a Zen priest and a hospital chaplain are helping me learn to bear witness. Will writing ParkinZen turn out to be compassionate action? That remains to be seen.

Stay tuned.